I have woken early in my bed and breakfast bedroom today. Too early really as I have a long drive back home tonight, but as I lay there I was reflecting how still it is here in this little village, in this lovely comfortable house. Then I had yet another moment of realisation. That stillness is internal, not external. It’s me, I am still! Or rather my mind is. That’s cool huh?
This week has been a strange mix of excitement and peace. New people, new ideas, revelations popping in my head like popcorn. There have been quite a lot of tears as I have learned new things, found a new acceptance, made new friends, and discovered a future that is calm and centred. It has been a big week!
I feel as though I have finally broken through my past, and stumbled upon something rather wonderful. Like walking through a dark forest and discovering a sunlit glade where the sunshine hits your shoulders and warms you through as you leave the shade of the trees. Bits of the forest were beautiful but some of it was dark and scary, and stepping into the clearing lifts your spirits, you can see some blue sky, green grass, and there is colour in your world again.
Too profound for 6am? I apologise. But there might be more of this over the next few weeks!
Much of this blog over the last few years has been me looking back at my past. Mostly the bad bits, some good, and trying in some way to create good from the bad. This summer has been pretty much all good. Our move north has turned out to be the best thing we have done. I am feeling a contentment that has escaped me for many years.
During the course this week I have shared my story with many people. Eager to share how amazing my life has become, wanting to shout to people that no matter where you are you can change things. I have talked about my house, and how important it is to me. How when we got to Morecambe it felt as though the house invited me in and welcomed me, wrapping me up in a good place.
I have also bared my soul to people. Talking openly about my fears, my misery about being overweight, all the things that have held me back in the past. All those thoughts that were spinning around in my head creating a reality in my mind that has dragged me down, held me back from truly finding something that I have been looking for, for a very long time. But all those thoughts are just that. Thoughts. Good and bad. Thoughts do not create reality. I do. I don’t have to think thoughts. I can push them away, not dwell on them. Find that stillness in my head and heart, to make room for something else. Something more profound, a wisdom that was always there, there was just too much noise in my head to hear it.
David shakes and holds up a snow globe. He likens the thoughts in our head to the snow swirling around inside the globe. We have to let it settle, wait for it to stop swirling, let the peace into our heads so we can listen.
I don’t think I am all the way there yet. But I am in a rather beautiful place. You know when the first snow falls… at dusk, how the world grows still and quiet as the huge flakes of snow begin to fall to the ground. Everything becomes still and silent, as though the world is waiting for something rather special. And every flake is unique, individual, joining together to form a comforting, beautiful white blanket that somehow softens all the sharp edges, but brings the world to a different, somehow sharper focus. That’s where I am. I am one of those beautiful unique flakes, settling gently, with many others.
I often wake with a song in my head. And this was todays, the one that inspired this blog. I have often identified with these lyrics, but today that words that resonate, and seem to match where are am are:
“The infinite wisdom, between a smile and a tear…”
I wish you peace.
Beautiful Racket – Mary Chapin Carpenter
So your day begins like this
Wondering what might have been
Old regrets and chances missed
Borne away on some lambent wind
The job’s okay, so it doesn’t inspire
Thoughts of leaving it all behind
You used to have dreams of settin’ the world on fire
All you want now is peace of mind
And a beautiful racket an’ whispers and roars
The bitter and sweet between the truces and the wars
The noise and the quiet, the courage and the fear
And all of the wisdom between a smile and a tear
Do your dreaming in traffic jams
You do your running in shopping malls
You do your breathing the best you can
Between car pools and cell phone calls
Who cares, you’ll never live in Paris
So what, you’ll never travel by Lear
How do some of us learn what matters
While others never get to hear
Such a beautiful racket an’ whispers and roars
The bitter and sweet between the truces and the wars
The noise and the quiet, the courage and the fear
And all of the wisdom between a smile and the tears
Hold on
Hold on
So your day will end like this
Turning slowly down your street
Silent worlds of kitchens lit
Front yards full of fallen leaves
Trees are bare, the garden’s done
Another season gone to earth
Before you blink a new one comes
Reminding you what the old one’s worth
And a beautiful racket comes in whispers and roars
The bitter and sweet between the roses and the wars
The noise and the quiet, the courage and the fear
And the infinite wisdom when you hear
Such a beautiful racket
Such a beautiful racket, hold on