Still alive and kicking…

Hi there, remember me? I turned 60 years old 8 weeks ago and dropped off the face of the earth! Well I abandoned my blog for a while. My apologies dear readers.

I have actually been going through some changes which I think I am ready to share.

So just a year ago I was at the end of 7 days training to formally set me on my path to my new role as a life coach. It was 7 magical days where I made new friends, discovered things about myself I didn’t know and saw a future ahead of me filled with possibility. My new understanding of the world and how we create our reality filled me with joy and hope.

Since then I have spent many hours reading, watching and learning. Deepening that understanding, exploring new concepts and learning to live in a beautiful feeling every day.

I have shared some of my insights here over the year. But buckle up, this is a biggie!

My friend Theresa reading a passage from Captain Corellis’s Mandolin at our wedding vow renewal

About two weeks after my birthday, after all the excitement of our party when we renewed our wedding vows in the sunshine on the pavement outside The Corner House and another week out and about with my mum and my aunt, when the dust had settled from six weeks of full on fun I found myself alone in my home with the dogs and cats and time to reflect.

And then it hit me. I am 60 years old. With the emphasis on the OLD! I can hear you all saying all the right things – 60 is not old, 60 is the the new 40, you are young at heart….and so on. For a couple of weeks I mulled this over, telling myself all those things. Reminding myself that I chose to completely change my life at the age of 58, listing all the amazing things I have done in the last couple of years. But none of it seemed to help.

You see the thing is, I realised that there is probably less time ahead of me than behind me. And all the things that I have dreamed of doing. All the places I want to visit. All the plans do do things that I have carried with me for so long. Well there doesn’t seem to be enough time left. I felt panic. The fear of not being able to do the things I want to do kicked in big time and for a few days I couldn’t catch my breath.

I started to doubt myself. Doubt whether I could do what I have planned to do with the rest of my working life. I even caught myself looking at job sites! I started to worry about not being around for Zoe as she goes through her life. I felt regret for so many things

Alongside these feelings I also revisited work stress for a few weeks. One of my roles involves doing some accounting for my cousin’s company. For reasons that I will not bore you with I needed to do a whole year’s accounting manually and I had a limited time in which to do that. Now I have always loved a deadline, but this was a massive task! And so stressful! Added to my overthinking about my time running out it was inevitable that I was going to crash and burn.

For the first time in a year I got ill. First a bad cold and horrible cough, and then, just as I thought I was better I got bronchitis. I have, quite frankly, been feeling quite sorry for myself. Having a bit of a wallow.

The the universe steppe in. Two things happened that helped me. Firstly, I had a tearful conversation with my best friend, Theresa. We have been through so much together and have known each other for 28 years now. She is 18 months younger than me, but I have forgiven her for that! After we talked I felt calmer and my mind started to settle.

Then on Sunday I went to an event and I met a lady called Val. And she reminded me of who I am and why I do what I do. Her story and our conversation, her kindness, set me back on track. If you want to know more about her, here is a link to my Facebook live video about her

I am not out of the woods yet. I still have moments of panic about how much time I have left. Usually in the wee small hours. Realistically, having been a diabetic for 17 years my life expectancy is reduced. But I am taking as much care with my health as I can. What is most important is making the most of every moment. Grabbing life by the throat. Helping as many people as I can, while I can.

Normal service is slowly being resumed as I recover from my bout of bronchitis. At the moment I am so fatigued that I am struggling to remain vertical, but each day there is a bit of improvement. I believe that things happen for a reason, so perhaps I was meant to take some rest. Some time out to deal with my latest insight. That time is an illusion. That there is still time for me to make a difference. To someone, somewhere who needs me to show up, listen, encourage and support. In the same way that people have shown up for me. Like Theresa. Like Val. Like Nigel.

We all have wings, and we all long to soar. But sometimes we need a little help. It is there, you just need to look for it.

I wish you all someone to be the wind beneath your wings.