Do you ever have one of those moments where you catch a glimpse of something, just outside of your line of vision. You see a little movement in the corner of your eye but when you turn to look there is nothing there?
Or you hear a song, or a piece of music and it reminds you of something and brings a gust of emotion that is so strong that just for a moment you cannot catch your breath. But you are not sure if it was a memory or something else.
It’s the promise of something unknown.
For the last couple of months, I have felt that there is something waiting for me. It shows itself every now and then. And if I take a moment to still the chatter in my mind it tiptoes a little closer, wafting its scent tantalizingly towards me, but drifting away when I turn to grab it.
Sometimes when the chatter is too loud, I cannot sense it at all.
Recently when I was poorly the chatter was so loud, I found I was really struggling. And then just over a week ago I woke up and sat on the edge of the bed and thought. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to do anything. I wasn’t depressed or desperately unhappy. I just felt tired. Uninspired. Like someone had turned the magic off.
I sat for a moment and thought. So what? What now? In a weird kind of way it was a relief. Like I gave myself permission to just be. But I also felt a bit numb. Not feeling anything is not living. It is not even just being. It’s a nothingness. A vacuum. Empty. And strange.
10 minutes later I was standing in a hot shower and I had a small but fabulous idea. Standing in the hot water sparks started to fly and I saw a path, a slightly different one to the one I have been following, although the destination was the same! But what I really had was some clarity.
Moments later the Universe did its thing and my lovely friend Miranda messaged me and came to visit. There followed a reset conversation, enhanced with tears, that set off a string of transformational insights. About money, about work, about what I want, about what success looks like to me. A completely different focus for me.
And I realise that those glimpses of something that I have from time to time are of a different person. A different Penny. Well maybe not different. The same but more. More of all the good stuff. The person that lurks inside of us, the person that is sometimes buried under the minutiae of everyday life. That works on just getting by. A person worth getting to know and love.
This person can make a difference. She can help people. She loves with no limits. She is unafraid and courageous. She can move mountains.
This last week has been a revelation. Calm, positive, and productive. That person is becoming less of a glimpse, more of a vision. And if I look really closely, I can see her in the mirror.
Isn’t that cool?