A glimpse of me…

Do you ever have one of those moments where you catch a glimpse of something, just outside of your line of vision. You see a little movement in the corner of your eye but when you turn to look there is nothing there?

Or you hear a song, or a piece of music and it reminds you of something and brings a gust of emotion that is so strong that just for a moment you cannot catch your breath. But you are not sure if it was a memory or something else.

It’s the promise of something unknown.

For the last couple of months, I have felt that there is something waiting for me. It shows itself every now and then. And if I take a moment to still the chatter in my mind it tiptoes a little closer, wafting its scent tantalizingly towards me, but drifting away when I turn to grab it.

Sometimes when the chatter is too loud, I cannot sense it at all.

Recently when I was poorly the chatter was so loud, I found I was really struggling. And then just over a week ago I woke up and sat on the edge of the bed and thought. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to do anything. I wasn’t depressed or desperately unhappy. I just felt tired. Uninspired. Like someone had turned the magic off.

I sat for a moment and thought. So what? What now? In a weird kind of way it was a relief. Like I gave myself permission to just be. But I also felt a bit numb. Not feeling anything is not living. It is not even just being. It’s a nothingness. A vacuum. Empty. And strange.

10 minutes later I was standing in a hot shower and I had a small but fabulous idea. Standing in the hot water sparks started to fly and I saw a path, a slightly different one to the one I have been following, although the destination was the same! But what I really had was some clarity.

Moments later the Universe did its thing and my lovely friend Miranda messaged me and came to visit. There followed a reset conversation, enhanced with tears, that set off a string of transformational insights. About money, about work, about what I want, about what success looks like to me. A completely different focus for me.

And I realise that those glimpses of something that I have from time to time are of a different person. A different Penny. Well maybe not different. The same but more. More of all the good stuff. The person that lurks inside of us, the person that is sometimes buried under the minutiae of everyday life. That works on just getting by. A person worth getting to know and love.

This person can make a difference. She can help people. She loves with no limits. She is unafraid and courageous. She can move mountains.

This last week has been a revelation. Calm, positive, and productive. That person is becoming less of a glimpse, more of a vision. And if I look really closely, I can see her in the mirror.

Isn’t that cool?

Gonna make a difference…

In which I wobble…

Happy New Year to all my readers!

I hope you had a lovely Christmas, spent time with your loved ones and watched lots of old films!

My husband’s gift to me was a stinking head cold that started on Christmas morning as I was cooking dinner and is just departing now. To be fair, he made up for it by looking after me so well. Cooking and providing coffee, tea, mince pies and other goodies while I lounged about on the sofa feeling a little sorry for myself.

Sounds pretty miserable right? But, although I didn’t realise it at the time, it was exactly what I needed.

Some of you will know that I had quite a bad fall down a couple of stairs in The Corner House at the end of November. My whole lower left leg, from the knee to ankle was badly sprained and so painful. Also got a bit of infection in the leg just before Christmas and needed antibiotics, so the whole festive thing was more of a challenge than a pleasure.

Being me, I carried on, pushing myself to walk, drive, sit at my desk. Anything but rest the leg in the way it needed, even heading South for a few days. Thankfully having an automatic car meant I didn’t have to cancel the trip.

But once I got the cold, I really was not capable of carrying on. Did the universe intervene? Enforcing me to rest and recuperate? Feels like it. And for once, I listened. It gave me time for rest, recuperation and a bit of reflection. And a binge watch of the first 3 series of Nashville, but that’s another story!

2018 was a challenging year. The initial euphoria of our relocation had passed, it was time to settle in and put down roots, establish ourselves in our new home and start to live. It wasn’t always easy, although Nigel found a great job and we had the most glorious summer with friends and family coming to visit and celebrate my 60th and 10 years of marriage with us.

For me, personally and professionally it was time for me to decide where my future lies. There were lots of wobbles, particularly as I was not earning very much. But I ended the year with a clear picture of what I want to do and who I want to do it with. I just need to put it all into action. Watch this space.

But my fall has caused a spectacular wobble. My confidence has taken a huge knock. So much so that I have found myself not wanting to leave the house, dreading Nigel going back to work, and putting off a lot of stuff that I need to do to get 2019 up and running. I have found that I don’t trust my own feet when I am out and about. And I am not just talking about walking.

I feel vulnerable. Its scary. I want to pull the drawbridge up and fill the moat. Everything feels too overwhelming, too terrifying. There is a total lack of confidence about me, not something I have felt for quite a while. A fear of failure paralysing me for the first time in quite a while. I have even got my wig out, considering wearing it to boost myself. I am tearful and emotional.

I feel quite physically frail, something I know that I am going to have to deal with, and soon.

But at the same time, I feel that 2019 has an amazing energy, that good things are coming, that we should all jump on board and make the most of it. Its going to be a very positive year spiritually.

I don’t believe in New Years Resolutions. But I like to set positive intentions. Perhaps writing them here will help me to feel stronger and start that forward momentum.

  • I am going to keep a daily gratitude journal
  • I am going to deal with my physical frailty by starting an exercise class and walking more
  • I am going to lose more weight too
  • I am going to get my business properly off the ground
  • I am going to help more people
  • I am going to live, love and laugh and relish every moment

Yesterday Nigel literally forced me out of the house and we went for a walk along the prom on a frosty sunny day. He instinctively knew it was what I needed. The prom was buzzing, people were smiling, the bay was breath-taking. I felt better. I feel better. And I remembered everything I have learned over the last couple of years.

We all need time out now and then. To take a breath. And then we can get on with it.

Do any of you remember Weebles? No matter how much they wobble they bounce right back up. Well that’s me. Wobbles can be really scary, but like life they are a learning process. I am still wobbling a little, but I will settle. I wish you all the best for this bright shiny new year.

What are your intentions? I would love to know.

Reattaching my wings!